Remembering The Reasons Why and Why NotWhen I was in college, I so very rarely said, "No." To a new experience, to love, to drugs, to road trips, to an idea, to a major... I prided myself on being bold and adventurous. "I can't" and "I won't" weren't really in my vocabulary. I went to Mexico, I had my heart broken, I can't understand why people like opium, I had two dogs, and I changed my major about six times before I graduated. There were a select few times I said I couldn't - to difficult majors and difficult choices. There I took the easy road. When someone I'd been seeing/sleeping with/whatever off and on asked me if this was going somewhere, I said no, for reasons I can't remember. Actually, there were two times that happened, and one is pretty much out of my life. The other one, however, we have our loose ends. Don't let your loose ends drink. Then you find them telling you all kinds of mind-altering things, like how you're still hot and that every serious relationship you've had since has broken his heart, and how they wish things had turned out differently between you, and... ready for this one?... how there is always tomorrow.
I have to admit that probably the reason I can't think of why I said no is because the puzzle pieces of us together were so good, even before we added them all up. The sex wasn't half bad, even the first time, in a bed far too small for what we were trying to do. Waking up together on a national holiday, spending all day together cooking for our friends and just having fun. He reminded me that when we cooked we used to make out all the time. He'd do the real work and make me think I was helping by stirring, then come up beside me and just start kissing. We'd watch movies and drink wine all the time. One year for Christmas he took me home from school because I couldn't drive. I used to come clean up after their parties. There was one amazing sexual experience that we won't talk about, but let's just say I felt like an overly jealous third wheel that just wanted him, when the whole thing left me feeling like I was "the old" and needed to go out. He had this hug, this way of holding onto me, that was kind of like being in an envelope, all safe and warm, and I'd snuggle up to his neck and fall right in. Somewhere down the line - maybe from the fallout of the last thing - it just wasn't where I tried to fall in anymore.
We became friends because of his roommate - I'd had a huge crush on him my first year of school. We went out, we broke up, we stayed friends, and I met my loose end through all of that. However, at some point, it came down to between the two, and I left my loose end hanging, even though I knew I'd never get back together with his roommate and, God, who would want to? What the hell was I on? So this sweet, funny, gorgeous loose end tied onto someone else, and although I get the sense he's just hanging on by a thin thread, I know that that thread will never tie on to me. I think she scared me. I think his roommate and all of them tried to make me scared that she totally didn't approve of what we'd had (and that just being around, I represented that past), and who could blame her? But she turned out to be pretty great - enough to make me jealous and, consequently, made me turn around and walk away. Yep, that's why I left. I didn't see the point in staying on to fight. Everyone moved on, went their seperate ways, and I stayed friends with his roommate and then let my loose end go.
Thinking about it now, I really should have said "No" more. I always say I had no regrets, that they were ridiculous, and that you can't go change them so they were pointless, too. But I could have done it all better. I could have tried harder. I could have found a passion and never said I couldn't do something because it was too hard. I could have realized a bad situation, rife with the potential to hurt me, and walked away. I could have made better choices. I could have stayed in one more night and not gone out into the potential to have a brand new problem. I could have done so much. Funny how "No" can open so many doors, isn't it? Instead, by doing every little single solitary adventurous thing, I ended up not doing enough. When he asked me, standing in the kitchen, his back to the living room, leaning on the end of the counter (I really will never forget this), "Where are we going?" My dumb ass, instead of opening my mouth and trying to usher myself into a place where there was a possibility with someone else, should have seen possibility itself asking me a question and replied with... okay, I'm a romantic, I just should have fallen right into his arms and kissed him. It makes me laugh - he had this green pullover I loved, and he must not have been wearing it, because I'm a sucker for it. Maybe that was the problem... Sure, let's blame something else.
I used to be a champion of change. I would get out of a situation and disappear into the unknown and make a new one. Where I am right now, I can't do that. Bold love stories, the kind you see in movies, would have me make a very quiet escape and then reappear back in school, in that place I love so much and can't stand being out of, laying on the couch with my loose end and in some sort of four year time warp. But - and everyone who ever said this was right - you can't go back. You get one shot to make it right, to do it right, and then you've blown it. I should have been able to know the difference between right and wrong, said "No" more where I said yes, and said "Yes" that one time. And because I just can't let go of anything, I am going to get to have that regret for a long, long time. But, and this just has to be said, even if I could go back, I do love the person I'm with now, and for a lot of reasons, he would come out ahead of my loose end. And I'd still be right here.
I wish I could figure out why I chose now, less than three months before I get married, to try and deal with all my mistakes, obsessions, heartaches, tears, and regrets. I guess I never was good at living in the present - just the future - and now I get to finally deal with the past. But I need to put my blinders on and just look forward.
